The fact is that most miscarriages have no known cause, so it is important for the woman who is coping with miscarriage understands that she is not to blame. Emotional and physical support from her partner, family and friends is vital to the healing process after a miscarriage.

There are numerous myths and old wives tales about miscarriage, many of which are quite absurd and they are all additional burdens for the grieving mother to bear. The loss of a baby is bad enough; to believe that you are somehow responsible is unbearable. The fact is that miscarriages rarely occur because of the actions of the mother.

There are many and varied things blamed for causing a miscarriage - having hot baths, eating certain foods, traveling in an airplane, having sexual intercourse, going horse riding, swimming in the ocean and certain forms of exercise. The myths that revolve around exercise also suggest that a pregnant woman should confine herself to bed to prevent a miscarriage. The fact is that many miscarriages occur before the woman is even aware that she is pregnant or soon afterwards.

A woman may not have her pregnancy confirmed until 6 -10 weeks into the pregnancy. It would be impossible for her to have avoided all the things that are ’said’ to cause miscarriage when she was unaware she was pregnant. The fact is that thousands of women continue with their usual lifestyle for the majority of their pregnancy, with no ill-effects to their unborn baby, so these factors alone are not to blame for miscarriage.

The guilt that a woman feels when after a miscarriage comes from the belief that she is inadequate - she can’t carry a pregnancy full term; that she is to blame - she must have ‘done’ something; that she isn’t a good mother - she let her baby die. Many of the myths help to support these beliefs so it is important that she is constantly reassured that she did nothing wrong. The fact is miscarriages usually happen for no apparent reason.

There are other activities that may cause a miscarriage that can make the woman feel guilty after a miscarriage. These include cigarette smoking, excess alcohol consumption and other substance abuse. The fact is that, while the woman was using these substances, she didn’t know she was pregnant, and so can’t be considered at fault. Most women, when they are trying to fall pregnant, stop using these substances.

There are several things that a grieving couple can do, when coping with miscarriage, which will help them get through the initial days and weeks. Some of the following may help:-

• Acknowledge your right to grieve and to feel the loss of your unborn baby.
• No one is to blame, so put that out of your mind.
• Talk with each other, with understanding friends, with a counselor, if necessary. The worst thing you can do is bottle it up, pretending you are OK.
• Find ways to remember the child; this is more healing than trying to forget the pregnancy ever happened. You could plant a special tree or shrub, make a donation to a children’s charity in honor of your baby, or hold your own memorial service.
• Find a support group to help you through the grieving process.
• Journal your thoughts and feelings. This will help you at the time, but will also become a memorial to your baby.
• Be grateful for what you had as much as for what you have lost.